totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
