my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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