You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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