Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
