Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There's always time for handjobs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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