I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
