it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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