I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.