Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.