The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.