Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
