fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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