i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
