the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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