i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
