So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I wish you could order shots online.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
