Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
