Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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