she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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