The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just threw up on my dentist
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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