Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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