take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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