you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
