Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
