So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
