You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He better not be in your backpack
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
