well I can't set my house on fire every night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
