My room smells like vodka and shame
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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