This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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