does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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