Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
