its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
