good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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