I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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