Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
