this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
