apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
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I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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