dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
