The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I love black thongs
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
