i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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