Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk is a universal language darling
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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