carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
