he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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