There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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