If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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