I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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