i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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