Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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