Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
