I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
