My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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