I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
