mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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