Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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