the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
