Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The air taste purple.
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