i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
