I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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